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Live is Evil: 3/23/2002

After quite the hiatus, the BWF finally held their first event in well over a year, and what a doozy it was. The night started off with a bang when the mysterious man in a black shirt and goalie mask screamed into the microphone, "Welcome to BWF Saturday Night: Live is Evil" and, although we couldn't understand him after that, the record crowd of 4 people went wild with excitement.

After the commercial break, owner Erik Ferguson made his way to the ring for a public service announcement. He rocked the basement with his announcement that, due to the enormous amount of wrestlers, the BWF was going to have a split roster draft! One half of the roster, which would be chosen at the end of the night, would participate in the Saturday Night tapings, while the other half of the roster would participate in the revived Sunday Night Whackdown tapings. But, who would control the Sunday Night matches? Apparently, we would find out later.

In the first match of the night, Daddy Phat Sackz took on Zutter in a Falls Count Nowhere match. Although no one really understood the rules of the match, the referee insisted that the combatants begin. Daddy Phat Sackz began the match by flinging Zutter around like a rag doll, smashing him onto the couch, to the surprise of the fans, and throwing him violently into a pole. Zutter, weighing in at 84 pounds, attempted to come back with a flurry puches, but DPS just shoved him to the ground, and then dropped an elbow. He attempted a pin, but the referee informed him that falls did not count here. Unhappy, and rightfully so, Daddy Phat Sackz calmly asked the referee to tell him "where the f*ck falls count at, then?" Before the ref could answer, Zutter knocked out the self-proclaimed Pimp of the Nation with an Enziguri. Daddy Phat Sackz lay there, motionless, as Zutter began flying off of the couch, dropping all of his 83 pounds (he had lost a pound of sweat during the match) onto the current champion. Zutter, after about 4 jumps, picked up DPS and threw him out of the ring, onto the linolium floor. He then rolled the Pimp up in an attempted pin. The ref, once again, informed Zutter that falls do not count here.

Both combatants were already weary from the match, when they began to show frustration, attempting to pin each other in a countless number of places, when they finally called out owner Erik Ferguson. The owner, who apparently had no idea what the problem was, appeared in the ring and inquired as to why he was called out. DPS and Zutter both asked where the hell they were supposed to pin each other, and why the hell they were chosen for this match. Ferg calmly explained that all they had to do was pin each other, and that they were to continue the match until one of them was pinned. Ferg left, and Daddy Phat Sackz left shortly afterwards. In the first countout in BWF history, Zutter won the match, and was ecstatic with his effort to win the BWF Championship. However, the referee then informed Zutter that the title cannot change hands during a disqualification. Zutter, in tears, attacked the ref, who threw Zutter to the floor and exited the ring. The 4 fans in attendance were fairly upset, screaming, "You screwed Brett!" as the ref left the ring.

King El Boriso made his way to the ring next, and informed the BWF world that he refused to participate in the draft that the owner had suggested. Obviously a desperate cry for attention, Boris then said that if someone came to the ring and beat him in a match, he would submit to the draft and participate, but if he won, that he would be removed from the draft pool and become unemployed. He then said that his opponent would be none other than Scuzzy Bastard. In the first ever Draft Removal match in BWF history, King El Boriso easily gained the upper hand on the weaker Scuzzy wrestler. Boris unleashed a myriad of punches and then went straight for the kill with the chokeslam. For good measure, Boris smashed a cookie pan over the head of the Bastard. The pin attempt got a two count, and, as is customary for Boris, he moaned and complained to the ref that the pin should have gone to three. While Boris argued, Scuzzy Bastard pulled out a road sign from under the couch and absolutely clobbered King El Boriso. Scuzzy Bastard easily got a 3 count on Boris, and won the match, forcing Boris to participate in the draft.

Not to be quieted so easily, Boris immediately complained to the official that weapons were not allowed in the match. Despite using a weapon moments ago, Boris continued to bitch and moan to the ref, to the point where the ref actually grabbed a microphone and began to talk. The ref informed Boris of rule 1028, section 4, point B, subpoint 82, fine print X which read: in the event that the BWF must split its rosters via a draft, all matches that remove members from participating from the draft will allow, and actually encourage the violent use of all weapons available. Boris, furious, grabbed his crown and exited the ring.

Pole Man, coming up from the farm league, made his way to the ring to participate in a triple threat match of utterly no consequence. The Gavinator and The Italian Posse would also participate in the match, which was so exciting, that audience member Tough got up and said, "listen, I gotta get out of here". The match began with both the Italian Posse and the Gavinator attacking the rookie Pole Man. They both threw him into the wall and punched him endlessly, until the new comer fell to the ground. There, both men rocked him with elbow drop after elbow drop. The Gavinator attempted to pin, but the Italian Posse was not won over so easily, and immediately attacked the Gavinator. The two sized each other up, but the Gavinator's power was too much for the Posse, and he dismantled him with a few holds, such as the Hip Flexor, and even got a two count in an attempted pin. The Italian Posse tried to use his Forearms of Fury but the Gavinator moved just in time, and the Posse ran into the couch, where he was grabbed by the Gavinator. Wasting no time, the Gavinator used the Phatty Blunt on the Posse. Before he could pin however, Pole Man made a rookie mistake when he smashed the Gavinator in the crotch with the curtain rod. The mistake was because all veterans know that the Gavinator wears a cup at all times. The Gavinator grabbed Pole Man and attempted to use the Phatty Blunt on him, but the Italian Posse hit them both in the stomach and busted out the H-Bomb on both of them and pinned Pole Man for the victory.

Finally, the draft was ready to begin. Owner Erik Ferguson made his way to the ring to announce that both he and former owner Melissa Beck would be choosing their respective wrestlers. In a moment of total suspense, the owner flipped a coin and called "heads" and, sure enough, heads it was. Ferg then got the first choice of wrestlers. The wrestlers made their way to the ring and the choosing began.

With the first selection, Ferg chose the Gavinator to build his army. Melissa then made a surprising choice when she selected Zutter. Ferg picked Daddy Phat Sackz as his second choice, and Melissa inexplicably chose Scuzzy Bastard as her second choice. It appeared as though Ferg was going to make a clean sweep, choosing the big names while Melissa chose low carders. Ferg then chose Pole Man, and explained that he was to do nothing but smack people with the curtain rod that attempted to harm the owner. Melissa then chose the Italian Posse. Ferg then noticed something that was not good. "What the hell? I have no one left to pick?!" King El Boriso started jumping up and down, flailing his arms. "I'm not picking you, you complete idiot... where the hell is everyone?"

Daddy Phat Sackz then explained, "Oh, you didn't know? The King, Kaptin Corona, Professor G, Ceasar, Tooth, Mexican Crackwhore, Portugese Prostate Prostitute, Dragon Slayer, Player 2, Player 3, Air Psyko, and Casa Nova said the couldn't make it."

"Holy sh*t!! Well, where the hell is Beck? It's his house isn't it?"

"Yea, he couldn't come either."

"We need to be less organized. Ok, well, I'm not picking Boris, and since both of our leagues have a total of 3 people, there can only be one match per night, so forget the whole draft thing. I can't even really remember why we were doing it, to be honest."

Melissa calmly explained, "duh, our critics kept saying our storylines were getting old, so we needed a new one."

"Well, it doesn't work when we have 6 people on the roster." With that, the wrestlers headed to the back, and the owner announced that the event was over, and that it was all a big waste of our time. But then, as the lights turned out, someone smacked the owner over the head with a weapon! Who was it?! But, in an obvious ploy to get you to watch (read) next week, the BWF logo flashed across the screen, and Star Trek: The Next Generation came on.